Do you feel trapped when dealing with a Narcissist Mother? Is it like your mind is blocked and you don’t know what to do? Then, this article is definitely for you.
Let’s go right into the matter. I would like to hand over some practical tips you can practice to save you personal integrity, along with your mental sanity and emotional wellbeing.
The first thing you have to remember is that you are not a victim of the circumstances. You have power and free will do set in motion the next stage of events.
The second thing you have to remember is that you have options. You have three options to choose from at any time to save your integrity and peace of mind. You are free to pick any of the three options that you see fit. Let’s see what those options are.
From Victim To Empowered
Having to suffer and endure a Narcissistic Mother leads many people to a victimization role. To successfully exit this condition you have three options at your disposal:
- Modify the situation
- Leave the situation
- Accept the situation
Let’s see each one of the three options and its consequences.
1 – Modify The Situation
This implies you have the power to change what is happening or at least negotiate in order to have your needs and wants met.
In general, most people don’t have the power to change the situation either due to previous behavior conditioning of the Narcissistic Mother or due to be living in her personal space, her house.
Even if you have the power and the will to try to change the situation through negotiations that will become superfluous and inefficient, not because of you but because of the Narcissistic Mother. Narcissists don’t respond well to negotiation. It is either their way or the highway. No middle ground. Additionally they don’t recognize your needs as valid. So, you see the picture.
2 – Leave The Situation
When the Narcissistic Mother starts to judge you, insult you or even threaten you, then it is time to leave the situation you are in.
At first, the Narcissistic Mother is used to you staying and listening to her rants in silence or to start to fight back. Either you listen in silence or you fight back, she wins. She wins because she got you in her web of attention sucking and control.
By listening in silence you are surrendering your self-esteem and drowning in the victim role, letting your personal and spiritual power being drained, slipping into an interior void of dread.
If you fight back the chances are that you will lose your temper, emotional balance and arrive nowhere. In discussions, the Narcissistic Mother ignores reason, consensus, or your needs. She will resort to any trick she knows to push your buttons and win her point.
So, maybe if you leave the situation, it is something new to her, which she does not want (she looses your attention) or doesn’t know how to deal with. By leaving the situation you are not taking her lack of respect for you, her projections and you are making a statement about yourself: you are starting to take care of yourself and not allowing others to treat you badly.
When you start to take care of yourself, personal respect starts to emerge. It is the first step towards self love, and the healing process of reconnecting with the most inner core of your being, a kind of spiritual healing.
At the same time, by leaving the situation you are sending another message to her: what you are saying is not that important to me, I am no longer paying you allegiance, I am free from your spell, I don’t take that crap anymore. You say this with no words, just by leaving.
You can and should leave but you don’t have to be rude to her. You can kiss her goodbye and say that you don’t want to have that kind of talk with her. You can even say that you are open to talk when she calms down and is open to be reasonable. Then, don’t justify yourself and just leave the situation.
As you repeat this every time she begins to insult or tries to abuse you, she begins to understand that some of her tricks no longer function and you are escaping her “spell” (which will make her quite uncomfortable and even angrier, as she feels she is losing).
3 – Accept The Situation
The sense of accepting here is not submission. Submission has to do with feeling powerless towards what is happening to us. On the other hand accepting the situation is an act of will, coming from you that empowers you in relation to the reality that you lived or are living at the present.
In every person I met, abused by a Narcissistic Mother, there is a little child waiting to be loved, whom secretly holds the secret belief that perhaps one day she will change, and most important of all, that she will truly start to love you.
Coming out of this “spell” is one of the hardest things to do, as it shatters that childhood dream of being loved. Just the idea sends shockwaves to the foundations of who we are. To be able to accept that we were not loved, and will not be loved by that person, the Narcissistic Mother, it is very painful and at the same time very freeing.
Going through this process of grief, of our first lost love, it hurts and it is very hard, but when you come out you notice that the psycho-spiritual bondage is no longer. You are beginning to accept your past (no more complaining or regretting). Accepting your past, as horrible as it was, gives you the power to love yourself and start to take responsibility for your present life.
By accepting that you were not loved begins to lessen the need to be clinging to every drop of love that is being thrown in your direction, and begin to differentiate between conditional and unconditional love. This might change, for the better, your perspective on how your love relationships are, or will be.
When you accept that you were not loved, you can start to aim for a healthy love relationship. You accept and know what doesn’t work, and aim for what does work.
Only by breaking that attachment, leaving it behind, you are able to be open your heart to new love relationships that feeds you, that respects you, cares for you, and makes you feel whole again.
So, in conclusion, to be able to accept the situation without falling into it, you need to have done your inner work (works best if you have a skilled psychotherapist to help you heal those early childhood wounds of not being loved).
The inner work will lead you to a point where you are immune to the Narcissistic Mother manipulation and “spells,” and at the same time, you are able to maintain your emotional balance and compassion for the lost and unloved being that she is.
This means that this third option is not for everyone. Only attempt this option if you are ready, and not because is trendy in New Age circles to just forgive without addressing all the emotional baggage that you carry unconsciously underneath.
New Rules of Engagement
After you accept and came out of the “I was not loved” spell you are now able to set new rules of engagement with her.
There are some steps that can serve you as guidelines:
1 – Find you personal space. Move to a place that is chosen by you (and not physically close to her).
If you don’t have enough money to pay a full rent maybe you can share a house with other people or friends. Find an option that suits you.
2 – Set your own rules of contact with her. Think what makes you comfortable, once a week, once a month, once a year, or never. Think also about the duration of the contact (how much time you will endure) 5 min, 30 min, an hour. It is up to you to decide (with no guilt, you are defending your needs).
You don’t need to state these rules, you can just behave by them, and the Narcissistic Mother will get it as time goes by, but you have to be consistent.
Another thing, don’t feel obliged to answer every contact or question from her. Decide for yourself what makes sense to you. Most of the time when she contacts you it is just to send you another “hook” to throw you in one of her spirals of confusion and attention seeking.
3 – Set in place strategies and tactics to deal with her when you are together.
This is a long subject but there are some very effective ground rules when you talk or interact with her:
- Stay calm, grounded, non emotional, and conscious of protecting your bio-energetic field (some like to call it aura). Remember to breathe slowly to calm you down. Let your presence be like a Sumo wrestler, unshakable.
- Put your ego aside – By putting your ego aside you are less prone to fall for name calling, insults, labels, and so on. Remember no one can offend you if you don’t give importance to what is being said.
- Everything you say can and will be used against you. Go for impersonal talks, never disclose personal information about you or your friends.
- She is always right. When asked what do you think about an opinion she just stated, always agree with her even if you don’t agree. I know this is a hard one, especially if you have a high integrity and you want to be truthful and coherent. In this situation you have to decide if you want to start a discussion with her just to defend you position, or agree with her to save hassle of having a heated discussion that will drain your good mood and energy. It is always your decision.
- Time delay. She will ask you to do something for her. If you agree this will make her feel that she still controls you. In general the task is not that important to her, what is important is you acceptance of doing it. If you don’t agree to do the task and don’t want to start another confrontation with her use the time delay tactic. You can say that you have to check your availability, your calendar, with another person, you need to think about that with more time, you haven’t yet reach to a conclusion, or that you don’t know and you will get back to her on a later date.
- “I don’t do that”. When she is pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to or disclose information about you or other people (for her own interest), you need to stand by your values, defend your ground and say NO!
- Never justify yourself – Justifying to a Narcissistic Mother signifies that you are still a child. Adults don’t justify to each other only if they decide to, not because they have to or are coerced.
- The broken record – When she insists, and she will, repeatedly to see if you break and she maintains dominance over you, you can resort to the “broken record” tactic. You just keep repeating what you said before, like: “I said I don’t do that”, in a very calm tone of voice. You keep repeating every time she asks you again, until she gives up (she will not be happy with this but you defend your free will).
- Dealing with Emotional Aggression and Anger – There are some sentences that are quite effective and you can use to protect yourself and defuse the situation. They are: “I am sorry you feel that way”; or “Your anger is not my responsibility,” or “I guess I have to accept how you feel”. By doing this you are not responding to the emotional aggression or anger, but you are affirming that you understand her emotional reaction without accepting it.
- Dealing with Projections and Labeling – Some other sentences that you can use on these situations: “I can accept your faulty perception of me,” or “I have no right to control how you see me”. By doing this you not only reject her projections on you, without defending yourself, and at the same time you take the high ground expressing a mature understanding of her situation.
Road To Freedom – Personal and Spiritual
In the beginning you still might feel guilty when you use these attitudes, strategies, and approaches, but that is ok, it is part of the process, just accept it without acting out on it. That will eventually pass as you get more skillful in the art of being YOU.
When you take this road of regaining the lost connection to inner spiritual core, you start to change. Don’t delude yourself that everything will be rosy, there will be failure along the way, but if you endure and persist, the pay off will be yours in the end. Train as much as you can these guidelines and be gentle with yourself, knowing that transformation takes time, months, or years. Don’t give up, keep on, and you will reach there.
Also take into account that you don’t lose face if you ask for help, or if you need some guiding tips from a psychotherapist.
After sometime this will become second nature and you start to restore you confidence, self-esteem, and presence, without losing emotional and energetic balance.
In this work persistence, endurance, and resilience will build your character to heights that you never dreamt of before, and will reconnect you to true Love, changing your whole Life for the better.
Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in these kind of situations. I will be very interested to hear from you.